When Love fades...

Been smoking n drinking too much the past week while i was away... time to cut back n repair...

It's been a crazy week... lotsa rushing around... hanging out with peeps i just met... having lotsa fun... n then having to come back down to earth...

geez...

so many things to blog about... but the thing most prominent on my mind now is my relationship with The Rif... n then some....

since he started work... have been feeling neglected n emotionally abandoned. But i'm actually used to being on my own... doing my own things as usual... honed by the three years he had been to n fro london for his studies...
so basically... i tuned out... stopped needing him n he was also too busy to do anything bout it.

I keep telling people I have got a boyfren... technically I do.. yes... because we still do couply stuff like hang out n watch movies... meet up for dinner... etc... but maybe it had come to that point... when doing stuff together is not enough... seeing each other without feeling each others' hearts...

but most of the time... I have been solving my own problems; facing fresh new experiences; coping with crazy times like my lymphoma scare, and my granny being in hospital; brooding over my moodswings.... basically focusing on making myself happy... becos he needs me... n im worried bout him if I throw silly tantrums or my demands will cause him to break down somemore...

my favourite activities have been escaping by tuning out the world, stoning around not aware n unfeeling, being cynical, whining bout stupid things, working, staring outta the bus, sitting on the stairs outside my place with a stiff drink n cig.... best at pretending that im actually okie...

when this is not me at all. I admit to being the most needy person ever, emotionally retarded as he once called me b4 he left for london... after all, I'm a pure pisces. soft, weak, dreamy, always hopeful but pessimistic, passionate n thoughtful n sweet n loving...

but all those no more... cos im totally tuned out.
i feel bad as well cos it's also my fault that i havent been extra sweet to him... little surprises n sweet stuff i used to remember n do for him...

i dunno bout him... but emotionally i have dried up... my well of love n affections n that sweet warm tingly mushy feeling i love to have (becos that's wat being in love is all about) have dried up...

we did our talk at Zouk today. Terrible choice? Well, I'm comfortable with that as i feel that i wont burst out sniffing pathetically if we start our reminiscence of all things sweet n comfy in the past. Nothing resolved yet. cos i bet any 6 year relationship, no matter how turbulent it had been in the course of it, needed more than 5 hours to reach closure.

Also realised that I have been jaded for a damn bloody long time. Used to believe that the person I marry eventually will be the one I'm truly crazy about, madly in love with... n he feeling the same bout me.

For a short phrase in my life... i actually abandoned that ideal n decided that maybe as long as he loves me more than i love him?

And then suddenly I even stopped sticking to my criteria n standards... i started seeing all the wrong kinds of guys... all for the wrong reasons.
no matter how fucked up that individual is, I always managed to get too involved emotionally cos i only saw the good points n ignored the bad.
I scared them off as a result of my keenness... talk bout playing hard to get huh? fucked up.

Then we got back together... n i tot maybe it could work... but the question always on my mind was... The One?

How do we know when we meet/ have The One?
Is it mutual? or what if The One dun think you r his/her The One?
how do you know that initial feelings of that oh-my-god-i-know-this-is-it feeling is not infatuation or lust? How do you differentiate it??

It's all these questions I ask myself when I doing my favourite combi of activities; sit outside stairs brooding smoking with a stiff drink n stone.

Whatever it is, I so think that i'm gonna end up a 40 year old spinster before I realise it.

People who know me will bitch behind my back, going "see la, last time she very chio one, high market value... but she had ridiculously weird n high expectations from already very nice men. Look wat happened now, got old n had to settle for some fucked up gambler/druggie/lam nua man... / had a terrible divorce which took away all the spunk she used to have. Girls cannot be so picky one i tell you..." argh~

And the average looking girls all end up with eligible men, cute, sexy, loving them like hell n leading a happy life...becos there's this theory that they tend not to expect too much... Dunno heard this shit from my primary school guy frenz... tot it was pretty lame too lar. ;p

There's so many I, I, I going on in this post... maybe the fault lies with me being such a selfish bitch.

Sigh... Can't a girl just have everything?

Will blog bout Fra n NYC another day...