That fucked up thing....

The CT scan results came out today... and Granny was diagnosed with stomach cancer...
They are waiting for some tissue tests for the malignancy of the cancer... whether its the fast spreading kind or not... as of now... only the stomach n lymph nodes near there are affected... the liver... very vital organ is untouched as yet...

Whatever it is... the stomach has to be removed... n that will be decided morrow...

I'm leaving for a week morrow...

Granny doesn't know the extent of her illness... Doc told her that she could discharge morrow n she's very excited.... She keeps thinking that she is okie after the blood transfusion already... n she is all strong n robust... good appetite etc...

But if the surgeon thinks that she is strong enough to handle the stomach removal... that might be the way to go...

But the major op has big risks... like stroke... blood loss... all which could prove fatal...

i dunno how mommy will have to break the news to gran when the results come out...

Fuck... i fucking hate cancer.
It happened to Grandad first... though he quit smoking like freaking 15 years before....

So what if there is radiotherapy n chemo... so fucking wat... it started in the nose n went away for awhile... n when grandad went back to work cos he wanted to help out his fren... the fucking cancer came back in the throat... n took him away from us...

Grandad who used to carry me n poke me n tickle me in the face with his bristles...
Then i was in sec 2... during exam period... n mommy din wanna disrupt my exams cos she tot i was too young... n i wasnt there when he passed away... im still damn pissed...

i cried at his funeral... unexpectantly... when the monks were chanting...

It happened to Godfather... it started in the liver... cos he liked to drink n smoked too... he was only 40 plus...

when it starts in the liver... it's like a hopeless case lor... though i was not that close to Godfather... but i saw how the fucking cancer strip life away from one... n all those close to him... my godma n mom stayed by his bedside throughout... he got delirious n stuff.. n threw tantrums... it dragged on for 2-3 weeks... wreaking havoc on everyone's life... n then took him away too...

And now it's granny...

it started with her being naseous n vomitting a few days before small uncle's wedding.
Mom brought her to the GP n blood tests were taken...
the next day she had to be warded to A&E cos her blood pressure was dangerously low...
something was bleedin inside... n 2 pints of blood were given before anything else last thurs nite... i was with her on friday...

just this monday... they did a scope on her stomach n intestines...
the results came in yesterday... a big ulcer in her stomach... n then the CT scan...

I was with her the whole of this afternoon... afterwhich i met The Rif for dinner...

I'm angry... angry n upset with this cancer thingy...
If it's tangible like a a physical thing... i would freaking punch it n kick it n scold it with all the hokkien vulgaarities i m capable of ... beat it to a pulp n kill it....i really.... grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!
*clench fists*

Why why why why granny of all people!?!?
Granny who prob never smoked a single cigarette...
Granny who never enjoyed life like we do... she worked all her life n lost her parents when she was a child in China before coming over with her Bro who is my granduncle...
Granny who cooked the absolute best chicken rice n fucking amazing chicken rice chilli with the right blend of lime n ginger n garlic n salt....
Granny who always left the best parts of the chicken for us kids n everyone else n din like to eat too much herself....
Granny who worked at Yeo's until she had to retire n every CNY she would lug back a carton or two of canned drinks cos everyone would be gathering at her place...
Granny who is so brave n never uttered a word of complaint or pain whenever she is sick...
Granny who is the best grandparent anyone can have cos she speaks only Hainanese but try to understand when all her grandchildren speak english to her.. n me only broken hainanese n who try to teach her mandarin....
And granny who is the only old person i really care about n enjoy her company.... ;_(

Im fucking angry... why does cancer wanna take away everybody?! Doesn't it have enough people already!??!

Before the days of cancer..people only died of old age... or wat is it that really took them away?
Granny is only 76 n there's so many things i wanna learn from her...
Like speaking hainanese... how to make her amazing chicken rice chilli....
I want her to be there on my wedding day...n if she can make it... be there when i have my first kid... cos im the oldest grandchild...

I dun even think i will be able to around this CNY... i can only hope my roster is kind to me...

Fuck... why do people say quit smoking... quit eating these stuff.. or doing those stuff.. when this cheebye cancer thing is gonna get to you... or the ones you love one day!?

It's not critical yet.. n know i shouldn't be so upset n pessimistic as yet... but im just do afraid....