When I grow up I wanna be a...

Oh yar...

Yesterday Von ask me my fave question again...
The questions everyone seems to like to ask me since I started fly...
N wat I answer...

1) "When u wanna stop flying n come down get a Proper job??"

I hate this question the most...
It's asked by my relatives n snooty ex school mates...

Its okie if they dun use the word "Proper"....
Sometimes they say "Ground job" .. thats fine..

But wat the F**K u mean by "Proper"??

In wat way is my job as a flygirl "IMPROPER"???

Alvin kena when he termed flygirls as "Air Hostess"
I was like.. "Wah lan.... that term is soooooo Old skool laaaR. Who the hell calls us Air Hostess these days?!?!?!?? even my parents have moved on to more modern terms..."

When u say "Hostess" the image of the mama-san at KTV pubs comes up lor!!!

"okie okie.. i will say Cabin Crew from now on..."

Heh heh...

SO back to my question.... In wat way is MY job IMPROPER???

We r service professionals... we make sure u get fed when u travel from one place to another...
We make sure got no bombs onboard b4 u guys get on.
N in case got insane people wanna take over the plane n crash it into another building jus for the hell of it, we r the ones who r the last line of defence....

And lastly... i'm paid decently.

So the next time someone asks me the same question again, with the taboo word in it, n giving me THAT wide eyed look like I stuck to my fate cos I no choice or watever shit... I'm gonna scratch their eyes out...

2) "U can't fly forever right?? isn't there something else u can do??"

Von ask me this ah...

Well.. to be honest.. I only came to terms with something quite recently...
That is.... I will fly lor...
I will fly n fly til I'm ready to settle down n have babies....
N even after babies if I dun have my own pub/bar/restaurant/cafe to look after I will still go back fly....
As long as they want me i guess... hee~

There is NOT nothing else I Can't do.....
There is jus nothing else I WOuld Like to do....

unless I own n/or manage a chain of nice nice bars maybe... hee hee...

So yes... when people ask me what I wanna be when I grow up....
I will say...
"I wanna be a Chief Stewardess!!"

~heeeheeeheeeheeeee~ ;p

Gonna go pack n paint nails n rush out to see my Whiskey pup!! woohoo!!

Aiyoh!! I become MH crew!!!! :_(

My new roster got nothing...

Got 2 freaking 'siong' Aucklands n 1 London...
N hell lots of standby for the "new" aircraft taken in at the moment...

Only 300 fly people needed n they freaking chose me...

I dunno whether its a good thing yet...

But facing the next 10 months with at least 3 Auckland flights n no States flights or other destinations is damn jialat boring laR!! ;(

No need ask me to buy Coach or LV or ColeHaan shoes or yr fave sausages or handcream or chocolates liao la.....

N no more fave pasta for me!!!
N no Amsterdam or Rome flights either for another dunno how long (i never been there b4 lei *scowl*)

Still haven't decided if it's a good fate lei.....
Wat if I get bored of flyin'???
I'm not decided if I'm one for stability yet also lei....
But at least I know I will always have 2 full off days in SIN whenever i get back....

Grrrrrrr.......

N thanks to my fellow flymates who rub it in.....
They say : "Wahahahahah!!! if I kena I rather get pregnant n leave flyin lo!!!" (thanks ah... *grimace*)

They say: "Wah 744M crew is damn jialat lar!!" (Thanks... i know also... ;| )

SIgh.. k i will stop whining n accept my fate...

N start being an adult n get used to the concept of routine n predictability...

*bleahg*

Missing out... Closure, Same issues...

Errr.... Im missing Stephane Pompougnac morrow at Zouk...

:(

Sian~

Somemore its a lame Manila nitestop...
..................................................................................................
The Ray text today...

So delayed response...

Jus "You r right. I'm always running away"...

Prob the closure I need... to know that I was always kinda right, n that he prob finally realised wat he lost...

In the relationship I had with him... my losses outweighed my gains...
I have come to realise on my own over time that this break up was never meant to b my loss but his...
I even contemplated if he deserved my friendship ...

Hmmm...

V good progress for someone like me who is super insecure one lor...

Yeah... I is super insecure one...
I know i dun look like one such person but the truth is i am.

i jus wanna know...
How does one change oneself to b a more self assured person??

Else I will be going thru the same issues in a different rship...

Aiyah... why must have rships...
Like Von... I'm kinda tired of men...
How good is good?, is the question....

Men n Lust: An Absolute Wake up Call...

Was reading Von's blog jus....

And was flabbergasted....

An excerpt...
Of a story of a married cheating man she met at Dragonfly (oooh... must I emphasise again how fucking cheesy n tarty n sleazy that place is...)

"AS in his early thirties,average looking,humourous,in F&B industry,sociable and drove a lancer and... status : MARRIED..for a year.
An ideal hubby every woman wanted to grow old with..but it's only a beautiful picture that been drawn..

Every night he will makes sure he reaches home not later then his wife if she happens to be home early.
He will knock off early so to send his to-be-lover home..and went home timely without raising suspicous.

Every night he will pick up his wife if she's happen to work late.
And before he fetch her, he was xxxxing with his lover in nearby hotel.

Everytime he will make sure he won't pick up any calls that might disturb them.
He ensure that no lovers will be entertained as his "wifey hours"

Every night he will ensure that his hp is in silent mode so that his wife won't be disturb by tones.
He ensure no chances was given to his lovers to reach him.

Every Friday he makes sure his wife has some personal time with her friends.
Spending time with his guys,hoping for chances to meet new lovers(baiting).

Every night he will make love to his wife so to keep the romance going.
Ensure there will be some interesting ventures with his wife so to keep his lovers' interests.

Everytime he declares he loves his wife only.
And liking every woman who might interested to sleep with a married man.

Everytime he makes sure he buy his wife the best gifts.
He will never spend money on woman that he slept before.

Everytime he makes his point very clear whenever he feels that some woman might have interest in him.
He grab every chances hoping some woman willing to sleep with the married him=no strings attached.

Everytime he will makes sure his wife had complete trust in him.
Ensure there's no room for suspicious.

Everytime he will make sure his wife was informed for some short coffee sessions with his "brothers"
He saved his lovers' numbers with a man's name and with wife's approval,met his so-called-brothers for a quickie.

Everytime he will make sure both knows where he or her's location.
Ensure he never ever near her presence whenever he with his lover.

I was shocked when i heard his life story..indeed, it took me a while to digest..the curious me,pouring him with questions..

vOn : Don't you feel guilty?

AS : No, why must i feel guilty? It's just physical,nothing emotional.

vOn : So you been doing that since you married?

AS : Ya..since i married..indeed many lovers becomes my buddies! (fxxk buddies assumed)

vOn : Don't you afraid of getting infected with some sex diseases?

AS : safe la, i always have condoms with me.

vOn : Don't you not love your wife?

AS : I love my wife..others are just lust..end of the day,my heart do knows where to belong.

vOn: Don't you afraid she might found out one day?

AS Speak confidently : She will never find out.

vOn : Don't you afraid same thing might happens to you?

AS : This is why i married her..cos she will never be like me!

vOn :Don't you ever thought of stopping such unfaithful behaviour?

AS : It's thrilling..and there's temptation everywhere..how to stop?

......i was speechless..un-beliveable..i don't how to argue or fight back with my reasoning and such, cos there isn't bit of remourseful in him.
How on earth a man can find so many reasons for his wrongdoing and don't feel a tiny shit over it?"

My only reaction... speechless n feeling deep annoyance rising from somewhere inside...

Then why these kinda men get married in the first place????????????

WHY?!?


I know that for every bad man out there... there might be a good dependable trustworthy one...
Just might...

Er.. maybe one good man for every 5 bad ones...


THe worst is when the woman tot they found someone trustworthy n dependable... but have the man so much smarter than her..
So wat if he loves her???
He makes love w the wifey every nite... still wan somemore outside!??!
$%#$&&^^*( is the rite reaction von...

This Cbye man should have his dick cut off... ala Bobbitt... >;O

God forbid women with bad experiences like yours truly already have serious trust issues...
the optimist in many of us r still always willing to try n learn to trust n love again...
But to know of such men out there is just.... $%&&*@#* outrageous!!

Sigh. it's easy to say.. but hard to do...
That is to always preserve some of yourself...
Never ever ever trust blindly... 100%...
Keep an eye for warning signs... always trust yr instincts...
Men can't be smarter than women when it comes to the game of cheat...
They will ALWAYS leave little traces of their lies n misdeeds...

This is not a case of "if it's yours it's yours, no need to force things.."
But more like... sometimes... some women do pretend to be ignorant of their other halves' separate lives jus for the sake of the family.. marriage.. etc...

But the question is... why do we wanna let them get away with it!??!?

I swear if I is his wifey n found out... I will cut off his promiscuous greedy pee pee after tying him up n let him bleed dry....
Then I will plead insanity n not go to jail...
Grrrr~

Decompress...

I need time to decompress...

After flight... Before flight... With a ciggie..

Think bout wat m doing..

Everything seems to b spiralling outta wat little self control I have..
Phew..~

M I jumping into something too quick again??

Everything seems rite actually...
But still...
Need time need time...

Dun worry von von... will update you sooner than u think... :)

*giggly giggles...*

I've been happy since i came back from FRA NY...

Someone's makin' me happy...

*giggles*

Lucky is...

" Lucky is the guy who is a girl's first... n Lucky is the girl who is a guy's last..."

Flymate told me this on flight.. n it kinda got stuck in me lil head...

SO we take chances....
Stick ourselves out there n get hurt n wounded...
N get lucky only when a guy is ready to take his last???
Argh#%#%%^

How unfair...

But I guess that's just the way it goes...

People dun call me Ra-ra for nothing...
I met someone new... from sometime old... hmmmm...

But I'm still not sure...
Kinda ... inside...
Scared...

Speaking of which...
Break up = Weight Loss...

Fwah!!

I have been struggling with the tight tight kebaya for the longest time...

But in 1 week... it's all loose n comfy again...
I weighed myself in Frankfurt n realised I lost 3 kg... in 6 days...
Easy peasy...
When it had always been a struggle b4..

Flymate: "Babe u lost lots weight ah?"
me: How u know??
Fm: Yr uniform like.... loose.. What did u do??
Me: Break up lor!! *gRinz*

Guess the drinking n smokin' really took a toll...
Everyone knows me as the gal who loves her food...
Food + eating= Happy for moi...
But somehow.. I can't find my appetite again... No cravings.. jus no feel like eating...
Never have I been this way... Never...

But at least I wake up these days without the Bang-by Bus feeling liao...

I almost there... almost getting over it.... :)
Heez~

Fever in Frankfurt.. Makin' n Breakin'

Yeah... wat do I expect...
When all I've been doing is drinking n smokin' n staying up til 10 in the mornings...

I stayed til lights on at Zouk last nite! (whoop... long time no do that)
Then got called up n packed n snoozed an hour b4 hopping on a 13 hr flight...
And I was still drunk n woozy when I reported...

sigh..

After 2 Dharmols n 4 episodes of Sex n The City...
I got to thinking..

What are relationships about... really???

Boy meets Girl...
Boy n Girl likes each other...
They exchange sweet texts... smoochy-woochy phonecalls...
Spend endless time talking n understanding each other...
Falling in love...

Some people need to be in love to do selfless super sweet acts... some dun...
But all the things that you do in a relationship all involve hell lots of time n effort.. n sometimes $

I find the hardest part of makin' a relationship is the getting to know each other...

All that time spent on chatting n canoodling n flirting...
The first time he hears you fart... to when it's no longer embarrassing but jus funny.
How unfamiliar sex becomes sweet sweet love makin'...
gosh....

Then the arguments come along....
The pettiness...
The not-necessarily seeing each others' points thingy n having to reconcile the differences...

At the end of the day...
Boy n Girl breaks up cos they can't see eye to eye anymore...
Or just can't sort things out..

How hard or easy the breakup is depends on individuals n their ex-partners I guess...

Do u take the 'you have to be cruel to b kind' approach??
Or u let the other down gently??

I really dun like the latter...

The Ray has been doing the latter...
He ignores my questions n texts n is so cold...

It makes me wonder again really...

Where did all the love go??
Where??????

How can one love another so much n then one day decide... 'ah.. dun talk to her/him liao'
'There's no need to work things out.... let's just fuck it...'

I can't ever do that...
Im freakin' soft hearted n I keep in touch with all my exes (maybe only 1 outcast)
Even the annoyin ones I still reciprocate with at least a 'hi' when they approach...

So I'm thinkin' now...

All that time n effort put into this relationship...
All heartfelt...
Was it worth it??

I'm so tired of going thru the whole process of relationships...

I was lookin' for someone to settle down with...
Was so happy when he told me he would wanna marry me in 2 years more... max...

No more long distance relationships..
No more 'what if's'

Since I started flying I knew I was ready for someone stable n nice n sweet n most importantly who loves me more than anything else to tie me down...

I'm so tired of belonging to nobody...
........................................................................................................................................

Anywoo...
Appreciate everyone's concern....
Some might think I'm attention whoring here... but really... THIS IS FUVKIN' HARD..

People close to me will know that I'm willing to forgive anything The Ray has done..
Right or wrong.. I dun think I can judge...
They know I have given him tons of benefit of the doubt...
N they all know I slowly becoming insane...
Trust, doubt, "true?/false?... did it really?? Yeah right It can't be... no no... that is definitely not possible"....
The real truth will always stay a mystery to me...
...............................................................................................................................................................

So yar lor...
R relationships just bout makin' ... then breakin'??
And the love between 2 people just.... diasppear into thin air with no residue left at all???
If the love doesn't disappear... where does it go???

Eeeks.. I hate mysteries... ;p

Rebound... not good?

Only the worst relationships result in rebounds...

But rebounds dun ever work??

Even if they taste so good??

I'm activated for another fucking Frankfurt New York.

chee Bye..

Obviously someone up there dun wan me to b in Sin to resolve my problems...

Now I gotta reschedule my tarot card readin session...
Or see it thru with another guy...

Chee bye...

Crying as I packing..
The ex jus texted outta weakness.. (for once) ...
N more crying...

How can I fuckin' report in 3 hours??
Much less wake in 2 to make up n tie hair n then fuckin' smile?????????????

NBCB~

Do dodododo Doraemon!!

I'm into this...
At the moment...

All 35 to collect.. n I have got 13 so far only.
N 6 limited edition ones just released lei... The singapore ones...(Orchard Rd, Chinatown, Lil India... n I dunno... maybe Zouk? kee kee kee)

A shoutout to all you...

If you buy stuff randomly from 7-11 n dun intend to collect...
Can give me please please please pretty please???!!??


I went to 7-11 today n got Cambodia!!
Checked into DEniz's n stunned his Greece n Australia n Scotland...

Was paying at River Valley prata store n asked the guy if he had extras (from his collection stuck on the cash register!!) n got Spain...


Sweet!! ;D

The Ray promised me he would get for me...
But by then I guessed his love for me fizzled out le..

The guy whom I believed used to love me would remember to buy everyday w/o me reminding him to one...

By then I also had to remind him that I wanted the 42 Below Honey flavoured vodka for our 1st anniversary..

(yeah I'm a vodka whore)

Our last date on 23 April 07.
Prob the last pic u'd ever see of us as a couple on this blog.

The internet is a fab tool...
Snooping around last nite when I couldn't sleep...

I found more stuff he lied to me bout... or never told me bout..
The people he go out with... the stuff he does...


Yes, maybe lotsa young girl girls will fall in love w his Geeky yet Bad Boy image...
Cos I found a pic of him n his staff (clearly infatuated with him) n who labeled their pic
-----"The" Wallpaper

KNNnnnNnnn@%&^*^&*%
Nabei Ch**By*

I put 2 n 2 together n realised that he always hid the fact tt they hung out together...
Despite me always hollering bout honesty n transparency.


So yeah... he obviously is thriving on these lil silly girls' blatant attention n company these weeks.

And throughout the rocky part of our relationship... he obviously turned to this kind of attention; maybe even enticed them more... cos.....
he's just a guy still...

Gross~

Anyway.. it's getting easier as each day passes...
My heart gets colder...

It still hurts when I think that it's happening on the other end as well...

Maybe faster...

Maybe he no longer wakes up with that shitty-kena-bang-by-bus feeling le...

I still do...

Fuck@##$*

But I guess I have to feel sorry for him...
He never knew the meaning of Love... True honest sharing trusting love..

He never trusted me with the truth; that I could handle them...
His white lies poisoned our relationship...

When u have so many things u have to hide... How do u have a decent relationship?
Fear of confrontation??
Dun be such a shitass coward.

If everything were pure n innocent... he wouldn't have found it so hard to tell...

"i've got an icebox where my heart used to be...
I'm so cold I'm so cold..."

Start Afresh...

Tonight Ah May off on a Wednesday...

She works at Emerald Hill n Dbl O... so it's rare...

We go Mambo...

Von... U supposed to be there too!

Texted Von n told her we will pick her up after work n go check out The Clinic from there...
But no reply lei...

Guess she was too tired...

Seeing Alle n May still so in love with each other after so long...
Makes me happy...
Though they live together...
And have to cope with such different lifestyles... (May work nitelife, Alle studying n work day job)

Guess there R couples who DO work things out after all...
Things like these restore my faith...
*Hugs guys*

V. Leow is back in town...
He missed Mambo tons cos he said in China no have...

Not only that...
But he also said the massive n energetic crowd is too truly impressive..
That no where in China is like that

For a guy who works in his line n has to go check out all these entertainment places so much...
I guess Zouk really rocks...

"MOS lei??" I asked..
He say it's also nowhere near the Zouk crowd...

I'll be damned...

Brought him to eat frog leg porridge at Keong Saik Road n he loved it...
Completed his this visit back to Sin...
hahaha~

V made me laughed so hard I forgot my troubles for that couple of hours...
And suddenly I realised that this is the part I love bout being single...
FREEDOM...

To stay out as late as I want...
Do as I please...
Maybe steal a drunken smooch with a stranger if I please...
Haha~

Then a complete stranger called out my name...
Turned out to be his staff...
Argh@#$*&*

Good...

Though I obsess at certain times bout wat he's doing...
Maybe he is indeed seeing another girl...
Blah blah blah...

Then I remembered...
Fuck it lar...

I'm gorgeous...
I dun need him...

I'm gorgeous...
N I'm free...

:)

Refocus...

been spending the last few hours reading me old lil blog...

1st up.. Jane... i tot u forgot me le.... *warm hugs*
Maybe I terrorised ya when i inside the bar... oops.

Next... after reading myself...
It's like my tots talking to myself...
Some kinda diary I won't even keep myself...

N teared at moments at Adi n Co's wedding...
N when meeting Dan in Syd...
N bout Von n the Dome Darlings...
N Marc-ky buggin me on msn in case I fainted...

N yes.. i can do this...
Cos I got such darling frenz who ask how I am...

I will refocus...
It's so FUCKING HARD!!!
But I will do it...

Becos he is BAD for me...
And I deserve better...

I will be strong..
I have to be strong...
I will roar innately...

I love you guys...
I know you will never run away from me .
Yes.. this time I will listen to you guys...

I won't ignore yr advise le...
I can find better... I deserve better...

I'm just afraid tt when I see u guys.. I might jus break down into tears
Thats why im not answering calls lar..

oki?

Time to refocus..
I was happy on my own..
I WILL be happy being on my own....
indulging in my SSBs.. (secret single behaviour... ;D)

Backtracking... n grieving..

Dear readers...
Please forgive me as I whine incessantly bout my break up...

I'm exhausted after my 12 hour flight from frankfurt today...
Can fall asleep mid speech no less...

But am here backtracking on my 2006 entries...
drinking red wine outta the bottle... n I just find it so hard to Breathe Again...

But hey... better to do this at home in sin...
Grieve n cry my heart out...
Than in some city miles away from home in a hotel room alone rite??

What's playing now is Toni Braxton's Breathe Again..
Over n over again...

Loy n Von who follow my blog....
will know the times I Ray-ranted...

will know when the honeymoon ended n the cracks began...

"Then along came someone who tells me "Pls dun compromise for me, let me compromise instead becos I can do so..."
Someone who never complains to me bout me...
Someone who wants to outfuss, outlove, outcare, outprovide, outpamper anyone else when it comes to me..
Someone who actually acts on what I say i dun like... super quickly somemore... ;D
Someone who actually makes me wonder if I'm a good enough/sweet enough gf to!!"

What happened to that someone?
That someone who tells me "I will text /call u when n when..."
That someone who tells me "Oh god, another long flight... wat m i gonna do??? oh wait... I'm gonna get more call cards to call ya..."
That someone who says "I can't go without seeing u for more than 7 days..."
That someone who used to say... "I think I love you more than myself!!!"


That someone became consumed with the prospect of promotion...
That someone became selfish n became more concerned bout the quality of his personal life b4 me...
Talks with yr staff, drink sessions with yr colleagues...
Suddenly took more importance than bonding with me...
I started to feel cast aside...
It's no longer just "me n you against the world" but "me against your world"

That someone became one who shouts at me "It's just you you you n you!!! YOu just want more more MOre!!"
N i just cry silently on the other line...

I feel so stupid letting my guard down...
SO stupid giving you my heart...
So so stupid putting down my invisible walls that I set up over the past 4 years...
You came in n took all my dignity n faith in love away.........
Just when I thought I found all that I wanted in you...

Just when I announce to the ENTIRE world that you r wat I want...
And it's so hard... so so hard...
To accept that you dun wanna work on us anymore...

That you r tired of trying anymore...

That this very time... just a year ago... we were enjoying our so-called honeymoon...

I look out of my window, smoking a ciggie... n I think...
DId it all really happen??

Just like that morning on the 9th April 2006 when I woke up n asked you...
"DId you really happen?"

N You replied...
"It's as real as it can be... if it's a dream, I pray to lord not to wake up from it..."

is it me... my fault?? really??

It might just be...

.... a year in limbo...
.... a year in dreamland...

Jus April last year... my blog was filled with happy entries of my new sweet sweet love n my new perspective in life...

I guess I took the bungee leap. off the side of a really tall building... without checking the safety strap...

I'm back from my week long...
Thank god I had a bunch of wacky flymates on the flight keeping me sane...
N hearing me whine...

Something therupetic bout whining to people u just met...
Cos yr frenz all hear til sian liao... hee hee..
With new people u can go on n on n get these whole new perspectives... ;p

Anyway...
I realised that love n relationships n family r tops on my priority list while going thru this..
I will never get sick of trying to work things out...as long as I'm still in love...


But he did...
3 magic words... "I am tired..." n "I wanna WORK".. (yeah... it's not "I wanna work Things Out")
Jus "I wanna work"
So that he won't have to think bout us...
Won't have to give me a straight answer...
running away...

Sigh... so work is his tops on his priority list...

I hate this... I really hate...
So nobody likes confrontation... but no one decent should run away from it for so long either...

But i also feel that we r beyond hope liao...
too many unhappy issues... too many things I forgave n not forgotten... turning bitter like bile inside...

Anyway Flozy.. thanks for the 5 languages of love thingy...
I identified myself as a mix of certain categories...
But the boy is not receptive at the moment cos he angry bout fuck knows wat...
And I'm so exhausted in trying to make my logic heard....

I'm tired... I just wanna be that happy fresh faced girl last April again...

I love him still... lots...
N can't bear to let go...

But he gave up on us first... n I have to stop clinging to the edge til my knuckles turn white...
Ciggies n alcohol making me look like an old lady le..
I swear I aged freaking 5 years in this 1 year...
The warning signs were all so clear... n I chose to ignore my instincts n bloody fall in love... argH#

Yes baby... the year had been a dream we have both awoken from already...
I just dunno...
How can something so sweet end so..... bad?