The Way We Were....

I was clearing out my book cupboard today of outdated n old magazines...
rummaging in the dust.. when I found one of these...

Oh gosh... a piece of ancient history...
It's the old Olio Dome menu!!
Way before the renovation in Wheelock Place.. when Clarin's spa was still beside...

Then... when I had a smoke (my first n only of the day! V.G. ;D)... I reminisced on the old Dome memories....

It was always a race to the punch card machine before every shift... ;D

And there was an old broken door which we arranged against a pillar in the locker room so we could change in there, instead of running to the loo outside which would cause us to be late for briefing...

Then screaming n shouting of "Changing!!!" when someone enters... hee hee..

Me n Loy back in 2000
Dome locker room, Wheelock.

Every Fri nite, n the whole of Sat, Sun n public hols were war zones in Olio Wheelock.

Corine would be bent over the cashier while me n Loy among others will be slogging on the floor, stealing n sneaking water glasses from other stations n the bar... or even directly from the cleaners, whom we all affectionately call Ah Neh... ;D

Then Loy became cashier while I worked beside her in the bar.... putting two of us together can be quite diasastrous... but I smile whenever I think of those "organised chaotic" moments as Rif called it. :)

Then The Rif came in...
He was awaiting NS...
And somehow, me Loy n him started hanging out lots...

We only hoped for synchronised break times when we would order Thai Chix salad, Seafood Capellini n pig out in the locker room before entering Organised Chaotic Warzone again... :D

Then me n Rif got involved....

His last day at Dome...
Location: 501 Safra Club, then in Wheelock Place.

Then talk of him having to go away to study started between us...
Where can our relationship go?
My answer was non-committent...

Then the painful periods came... when I met another guy who would always be around... n things got complicated...

It was so hard to choose...
A choice of having someone forever... or someone only for now...

We went thru lots of pain together...

but somehow, I ended up with Rif again... cos he was my soulmate n best friend.. n when we were together... things jus... sync...

We did our favourite things together, only dreading that day where he had to go away for a long long time...

With Chan n Tee
NYE 2001; Tee's house n new decks..

Zoukout 2001 (i think)
With Tee, then founder of Bedroomjocks.com

Star cruise adventure

We were inseparable.
Until that day came... we sat outside my place on the stairs holding each other n crying, nite before he had to fly off to London for months at a stretch...
Could we do it??

He still came back for Christmas n New Year... but most of the time... I felt lost without him...

Slowly... slowly...... i got my life together...

The first of many birthdays where The Rif was not with me...
Dome people... so touched~
Location: Boom boom room

One of Alle's drag shows at Actors' Bar

but somehow... the quarrels got worse...
my insecurity din help...
nor did my emotional dependence on him.

the distance sucked...
Bdays, Valentine's Days I spent at Dome working working to cut out the loneliness n emptiness...


I thought the only way to save myself was to cut some feelings off...
One n a half years into his studies... we called things off...

And emails, phonecalls etc dwindled to a minimum... though we were still very much involved in each others' lives....
.........................................................................

To me... I never felt that I made a wrong choice to be with Rif.
I loved n love him so much.
I deleted the last angry entry because looking as the old Olio menu reminded me of the person I used to be...

Sweet, uncomplicated, trusting, loving n warm...

Having him as a shelter for a large part of my life was my privilege...

I think I'm still the person I used to be... just so much more jaded, angry, distrusting...

I can't believe I'm crying as i'm writing this...
But I guess things are just the way it has turned out.

We all grow up n make choices as we go along, choices which might be right or wrong eventually.

But as an adult.. i think I ought to stick to certain decisions I make; how ever painful it may be.

I'm just upset cos i think my intentions n purpose have been misconstrued.
The Rif just keeps thinking he is not good enough... unable to satisfy my needs.
I dunno.. he keeps using this to guilt trip me...

M i really that bad a person that I'd make a guy who loves/ed me so much feel this way bout himself?

I dunno wat else to say except sorry for hurting him.

But really... there are 2 people in our relationship...

True I can't always blame you for going away n making me angry with you for abandoning me n leaving me with all these emotional scars....
But your saying sorry does not make me stop blaming you either....

So i guess this is my xin(1) bing(4)....

And yours being that while you were away... i went to see other people ...

.............................................................................................
Sigh... wat memories an old menu can bring back...
Think my priorities now will include trying to be the same old sweet, warm, kind, loving, gentle, uncomplicated person I used to be...

How? Dunno... jus zen out i guess.. no excessive bitching, oooh-saa-ing when I get annoyed with people....heh.
Well, gotta be up in 2 hours for flight... catch ya in 2 days time.