To love or be loved... To know.. or not to know...

My head is exploding...
my lungs are collasping...

thoughts thoughts thoughts...
self reflective, blaming, forgiving??? endurance.... tolerance.... throw the phone away???
MOre ciggies!!!

Tears onboard at work...
Never tot tt would ever happen...

Is it the thot of abandonment I can't take???
Am quite sure is the thot that I might just never breathe again...

Yes Von... I read yr blog...

Won't it be bliss if I found that One whom I love n who LOVES me more than anything else???

ALways wat I wanted anyway...
Someone who will never let me cry... see me sad... have anything more impt than me...

I had an enlightening weekend...

Met Ju...

He got new gf le..
Old gf was flygirl also...
Ask him... "How???" n for advice...
Old gf still nice to him.... still go aussie n buy him his gums... (yeah he chews gum 24/7, prob in his sleep too)

Then I ask... "Yr new gf know not??"
"No"
"*gasp* how can?? wat if yr old gf still miss u n think of u whenever she sees gum! means it's not over rite??"

"Yar.. but as long as it means nothing to me.... it's okie wat....
She buying gum for me is a small thing... but telling new gf would mean it means something to me.. n therefore... problem.."

Dodo then had a realisation....
Soh des ne....

Boys function this way...
Makes sense....

Y let a small prob become big... when it's nothing at all??
Blame it on a significant other ex... who taught me eons ago that honesty is the best policy...

But how do u draw the line at what is to know wat not to know???
I guess the guideline is... as long as the boy is not distracted in any way it's okie...
unless he still loves the other person or has lingering feelings or something...
But but but....

Sigh.... stop it dodo!!! >;O

Met V...
Gf damn damn possessive...
I tot I'm siow... she more siow...

I said " There must b reason for her not to trust u rite??"

"Yar lar... blah blah blah"

Basically the gist of the story w his ex was tt he was TOO honest... then the ex become paranoid... n he seconded Ju's chewing gum stance...

However.. with the current 'siow' one.. he humbly surrendered his privacy lor...
handphone texts kena srcutinised everyday in front of him n asked why why why...

heh heh... sometimes I think bout silly devoted guys n smile... ;)
they cut down on their guy nites for us...
they buy tapao for us when we fume,
yet still, we undermine their sorries n cut them down to half their size when they apologise...
And they still try... somehow...

That's why we love 'em more rite?
That's why they r worth it rite??
Cos it means we r worth it mah....

I looked thru all my texts n realised that I have changed an inconsiderate, insensitive, blurly thoughtless n rebellious boy into my own devoted in one year...

Of cos he won't be wholly wat I want... cos like V said...
It's a package deal...
You buy a McDees value meal...
U can change the size of the fries...
the type of drink.... size of drinks...

But it will always come as a set meal... can't say dun wan the fries or drink...
Well the concept is cute... n I began to realise...

That I drove our love crazy with my typical Piscean tears n fears...
Yep he did his fair share of blunders... n I mine...

He was willing to accept me as a McDees value meal...
though he doesn't like the fries... so he downsize the fries...

But I been upping everything...
Not becos I'm greedy... but cos I keep testing the limits... stretching them...
As a gauge to how much more he will try...
Or how much more he will stretch b4 he stops loving me....
A measure of self worth..

I know... it's bad... it's wrong...

I drove my first true love away from me when i was 19 cos I was the same... PLUS more ignorant n needy

I cut my best love short cos I overstretched the limits as well...

N now... I'm doing the same.

Im damn expert at driving men who r madly in love with me away from me lar!! ;(

Maybe i deserve that cold shoulder...
the desertion.... the pushing away...
But I dun think I deserve a lifetime of losing touch with someone I love...
My phobia... hard hearted, super decisive guys... I run away from them n then back to them again n again...

Like...
How can one person dun ever ever ever eat McDees ever again rite?? I can't... sigh...

If I were a McDees meal I would be Chicken Mcnuggets... with curly fries for the quirk... n small coke. And if u like... pls go ahead n add a scoop of vanilla softee into the coke...

Why?

Cos one never have enough of the 6 piece... it's always just enough to fill u n keep u coming back for more soon enough...
Curly fries are limited edition rite?? not gonna b around forever... n prob only in Sin...
Small coke cos too much makes one bloated...
N the scoop of softee jus for the hell of it...
becos it's worth it...
..................................................................................................................................

You said not to write bout u here but u din say I can't write to you here..
Anyway today's post is bout me...

I understand how yr mind works on all those stuff liao i been fussing n obsessing bout liao...
I understand y u think it's unneccessary cos u know u love me...

But I dunno that u do... so much..
I know u hate to repeat yourself...
N dun understand why I just so blooody hard to convince though u seemed to have tried all ways n means...
But I'm chicken Mcnuggets... little bits here n there... the scatterbrain I m...
u have to keep ordering somemore to keep me in the menu I guess...

I know u been doing wat I ask of...
I know u damn pissed cos u feel I'm asking for more n more...
I know u r a simple guy... no need curly fries... or softee in coke...

But I dun feel like I asking more n more...
I'm just a typical girl lor! With a very very weak resolve though.. :(
On a typical mission to make things good for the longer term....
JUs as I been doing all year.
And my weekend research has proven to myself (albeit unexpectedly) that I ain't the worser kind...

Maybe the break ups r too many in between...
But dun forget pls that I always run back to u, call u, text u... the first thing next morning...
I never let u wait too long b4 to feel like all hope's gone in any event...

I think it's not that I have Too many expectations...
But it's that I can't manage them rite... n want them ALL in a short span of time...

But I know...
Wat little patience u were born with... I max the limits le...
My mother also raised me with little patience... so ... like that lar..

sooo..... How like dat?? :(