Diary of an Imminent Breakup - Day1

Cigarettes smoked: 15 or something...

Damage: 1 big blob of a bruise on the side of right wrist n bump on ball of right foot from kicking n punching an unlucky big tree...

Funny...
One would have thought that I wanted this, expected this...
But am actually not mentally prepped for it...

That's the scary thing bout getting into a relationship....
the getting out of it...

He has not replied to my messages like he would normally...
And attributed it to his busy busy at work... which i totally understand...
But he usually still texts me...

I think he has come to a point where he needs time out to evaluate the relationship too...
Think whether i'm the girl for him...

Yes, I'm the girl who has some complicated thoughts in her mind...
I go crazy with my vivid imagination n the dozen "what if"s in my head...

I think the moment of truth has come....
The boy has stopped loving me...

Usually at this point I'd be going crazy bombing his phone with incessant messages demanding closure n answers to my questions...

Strangely though... I found peace within myself last nite when I arrived in Perth...
Why force someone who doesn't like to speak... to speak??

the dozen questions whirling round n round in my head threatens to explode...
I start hearing self doubts n mistrust creeping in n voices annoying me n telling me he's up to no good...
"That lil girl who's been flirting with him has gotten him??"
"that text which just came in... was it really bout work??"
"He din come home til 10 that morning n din pick up his phone was cos....."

Pls dun misunderstand...
I'm neurotic n insecure in my own ways...
But have never allowed myself to sink to such pathetic levels of being afraid of losing my guy to another girl....

Never... til he came in...

This is the first time a guy has wanted to b alone, away from me to go drink...
the first time I waited up til 8am on few mornings to hear from him....
the first time I forgive a boy bout some serious evil things he had done to me...

N still want to love him...


I think the time has come to seriously prep myself for an impending disastrous break off...
I owe it to myself n to him...

By disastrous i dun mean kicking n screaming kind of break off...
at least the noisy shout it out kind gives each a chance to thrash things out...
get closure...
get a chance to hate the person...

Disastrous is the kind where the person disappears from u n refuses to see u, say they will call u back but never does n leave u staying by the phone side til u go nuts...

Disastrous is the kind that they say they love u still but they r tired of trying anymore...

Disastrous is the kind where the questions of "why do u do this to me" goes unanswered despite desperate pleas...

Disastrous is the kind where u go out n drink n smoke n the pain never goes away....
The kind where u imagine the other person going out to drink n smoke n laugh n is actually able to displace u outta his mind....

Disastrous is the kind where u will take a total number of everyday u been together or more to get over him...
that makes 10 months for me....
... before u feel brave enough to feel normal again...

it is also the kind where u imagine him getting into another relationship; rebound or not, soon after u r off....

It has happened before... n the pain is crippling...

Disastrous is the kind where u r hungry but can't eat... tired but can't sleep... smoke til you can't smoke... n everything else in yr life seems to transform into a limbo...

It's the kind where the emptiness from yr heart drops to the bottom of yr stomach n then floats up to yr guts n stays there, threatening to make u throw up....
And it happens whenever you reminisce on yr happy times together...
Like when I remove my nail polish n replay how he used to do it for me in my head...

And that's just Day 1... ; ]

Good god why did I allow myself to fall in love in the first place...