It IS a question I constantly ask myself...

Becos of the boy's petulance...
we sacrificed a nite of Borat n dinner while he negotiated with his boss bout his pending resignation...

I say petulance becos it was, from wat i analysed, uncalled for..
Of cos I din bend the boy's ego by telling him that...

oh well...
And so... I waited at the neighbouring bar while he was talking to the boss...

Im not bitter... or annoyed....
But while driving home alone from the boy's place... i realised it's cos i'm resigned...

When I went out with a boy 4 years older than me... (the oldest boy I ever dated seriously..)
I was hoping for stability n maturity...
understanding... consideration... (esp for my line of work)... n ultimately less work on my part..

Instead.... I signed up for a relationship of lotsa waiting for the boy to get home when I'm outstation... for peace of mind...

Me, an ultimate princess... will drive down to meet the boy at work or town for our dates...
To spend watever quality time together.. i'll drive down after a nap after flight n pick the boy up from work so we can chat on the way back...

I compromise n compromised on so much of my expectations as a girlfren...
Keeping in mind wat mommy said..
" is it something big? well, if it's not... then at the end of the day, if the man puts u first... that's good enough... why sweat so much on the little details??!"

But I often find myself asking myself..... "is it really enough??"

I have become willing to accept if my boy doesn't drive... doesn't come wait for me n pick me up from the airport...

I have become willing to accept that my boy doesn't spoil me the way I have become accustomed to n the way msot girls would like to be spoiled...

I have even become willing to accept that my boy will lie to me time n time again...
whether it involves proximity to other girls or not I'm still unsure.. but pretty suspicious at the same time...

Despite wat I wrote here. just october... I HAVE become willing to accept...
Why, I dunno...

NOT that he has since convinced me that he has put me first since...
in fact... if u had read me last week... I realised that he puts his sleep n work before me... like ten folds more...

I came back from a flight just the day before n went into a tired tantrum at 9 in the morning whilst on the way back from airport....
And he ignored all that.... n went right back to laa laa land...

this is after the whole week of hoo haa n upset which i never even demanded a detailed explanation or apology for...

Disappointed as I can be.. I still was patient uncharacteristically n lingered around...

I really dunno wat im doing anymore...
My head is so clouded..

I was sure I was on top of things for myself at the beginning of 2006...
when i made those resolutions n had those sure thoughts...

But since meeting the boy in April... I have become a messy wreck...

Von is tired for me...
my frenz are so accustomed to see me upset...
So wAt the Fuck am I doing??