I'm Afraid...

I just read Flozy's blog again...
Bout her grandaunt who has stomach cancer...

The last time I blogged bout grandma's condition was here...
The decision then was not to let grandma go thru chemo cos she so old le...
N also not to remove her stomach cos it's a terribly risky procedure for a person her age..

I remember how angry I was when I discovered that another loved one had cancer...

Anyway, my aunt n mum did not want Grandma to be in pain or to suffer that way n die anyway...
So we put her thru TCM n lotsa lingzhi which actually stopped the internal bleeding n sustained her til recently...

it's been nearly 20 months since the discovery of the cancer...
Only recently granny has been complaining of pain n bloat in her stomach n loss of appetite cos the cancer in her stomach seems to b inhibiting the disgestive system...

I'm thankful that it has been painless thus far...
I'm so afraid...

That she would be in great great pain in the final stage...

Grandma has always been a strong woman with a super high threshold level for pain...
Then if she says pain... it must b fucking pain..

Grandma who grew up without parents in China n had to fend for herself n a younger brother since she was 6..
Grandma who cooks the bestest chicken rice n chicken rice chilli...
Grandma who is my favourite old person...
Grandma who so dotes on me cos I was her first grandchild...
Grandma who has such soft wrinkly skin on her arms n elbows that is so comforting to hold..
Grandma who listens to me chitter chatter though I know so little Hainanese..
Grandma who used to play games with the little me when she was cooking...
Grandma who is so damn brave to take the Space Mountain with me (twice!) 10 yrs ago at Disneyland when all my cousins backed out on me...n not even blink...she said it wasn't scary... ; ]
Grandma who pretends to swat me away when I steal her yummy mushrooms when she wrapping bak changs... (since then she has stopped wrapping bak changs...)
Grandma whom I wish will get to see my first child... n have my children have such a perfect great-grandma...

I'm so scared now..

Is there a way she can go when the time comes without having to suffer that insane amount of pain or discomfort??

Can someone please tell me??

:_(

*cry*