Cheating Hearts: Emotions R messy... Sex makes things messier..

When I was much younger, I used to think that it is possible to love/like/have a soft spot for 2 people at the same time...
N I used to think nothing of being with 2 people at the same time either...

However, something clicked when I felt ready to commit bout a year ago it seems...
And my heart just couldn't go back to being big enough for more than One...
My life had only so much space left n I never saw the need to squeeze more time for more than 1 guy at a time...
Even though i did stray on one occasion...n on other occasions smooched a couple of other people during the year n a half, my emotions never got in the way...
I can never tell 2 persons the same thing I have said b4 to either one. I can't bring myself to lie bout my feelings anymore.
It's surreal... cos i never realised i did grow up in this context...

So I just wonder... when Person A sleeps with Person B one night... n calls Person C on another n tells her tt he misses her... Where does it put Person C? Or Person B as well...?

Ed is saying I'm thinking too much again... But really... I tried putting myself in all Persons A,B, n C's shoes... in all possible hypothetical contexts... n all I can conclude is...

Emotions R damn messy... Sex makes things messier...
The thing is... does Sex makes things as messy as it comes with versus without the emotions??
So Sex without Love is okie?? N does Love grow with more Sex alone???

But when u look at things this way... WHAT THE FUVK IS LOVE lor...

K I dun really know what I'm babbling bout anymore...

I think that the worst thing a person can do is to make love to one n still want the other...
Such an emotional sin.

Is it stupid you ask??
Well when I was an emo sinner, I never felt any guilt... becos I never knew wat i wanted... n somehow that justified my actions, n I never made any decisions but awaited the decision to come make me...
N looking back, remembering how tt felt, it was really quite fucked up.
I dun know if u guys really understand what I'm talking bout but i dunno how else to put it.


Anyway, I see so clearly now that Alex never loved me after all.
How can one love another when he loved himself so much more???
How could he have loved me b4 when he can bring himself to do all those things without even considering my feelings at all?
And looking back, I gave him so much much LESS trouble compared to the ex.

Maybe the ex was right.
That I should never attempt to change myself for another... cos i already know wat i want from my relationships, have laid all my cards out. N desperately downscaling my expectations n standards jus made everything backfire n blow up in my own face...

hmmmmm.....
Well.. all i can say is that the milk is spilt, the choice is made...
N because of one person's choice, leading to actions, based on whatever decisions, everything is written off..
It doesn't matter whether one or both parties tried as hard... or whether there was a "could have been"

The entire affair between us seemed like a fib, a dream, a lie, a big question mark. Cos he chose crap over me.
N whatever happy, good, sweet, supposingly unforgettable memories r slowly becoming foggy...

N that is good...
Not because it makes things easier for me.. i never take the easy way out...
But cos... considering how lightly he weighed me n our relationship to that other thing he had to get, it /he really is not worth remembering at all...